Before we kick it old school I just want to say that in no way do I endorse violence, I’m just not in denial that our base instinct is to smite thine enemy when they rear their ugly head. So I wouldn’t really ever attempt to hurt these morons, but I will enjoy a little fantasy about it (probably something in slow motion where they fly ten feet in the air from an upper cut like in Mortal Kombat). So not only will I say why they should have their ass handed to them I will also give the scenario that I would like to see them be destroyed in. So here we go.
5. Paris Hilton
Yes, I’ll start off with a safe one. Who seriously likes her? Other than the fact that she’s our favorite celebretard there’s really nothing redeemable about her. She can’t sing or act. The best performance she ever gave was in night vision. She does nothing but embarrass herself and I think our country as a whole. I honestly think she does more damage to the American image then George W Bush (who won’t be making the list. I just feel sorry for him and he’s too easy of a target).
Only in America could someone be her. She proves that in Hollywood you can fail upwards. If all it took to be successful was to be a royal fuck up then we should have no homeless problem. In fact I’m sure most homeless people are better mentally equipped then she is. When I heard that she started a film career I cringed. I’ve now seen her in two flicks and I know she’s now been in many more. How could this happen? She’s not very attractive, no talent can be seen (unless you count being completely oblivious), and her voice and mannerisms grind on my very soul. I have a lot of friends that are pretty good actors that deserve to be in her shoes but sadly never will. If only I could convince them to make a sex tape.
So how would I like to see her go? Well it would have to be her leaving one of the stupid clubs she gets paid thousands of dollars to go to (yes, people think she’s good for publicity and they pay her to go). She would get into her limo…but it’s not her limo. It would be stripped down on the inside with no seat belts and I would be dressed up just like Kurt Russell in Death Proof. What would then follow would be me driving that limo like it was a stunt car in The Dukes of Hazard with her in the back with no protection what so ever. I’d watch her through the rear view mirror fly like a rag doll with every turn. Unlike Death Proof I would leave her alive. Odds are she’d be so high she’d have no idea what happened, but I think it would be fun to possibly knock a little sense into that lazy eyed reject. That’s hot.
4. Michael Jackson
This has nothing to do with the molestation charges brought against him. I take it back, it does, but also a lot more. Have we ever seen a celebrity get crazier then him? I mean celebrities are known for doing stupid ass stuff, but c’mon. He holds his baby out a window. His best friend is a chimp. His house is an amusement park. He brings his wife on stage to give her an awkward kiss to prove they have a normal relationship. He wears a bandana over his face in public as if being the most pale person on the planet isn’t a dead give away. He caught his jerry curl on fire in a concert. He’s the only person in history to successfully change ethnicity. He’s proof of extra terrestrials. He robed the Beatles of the rights to some of their music. He’s done all this stuff, and then he allegedly diddles little boys. He’s in major need of an ass kicking.
Now I realize he comes from a screwed up child hood, but so did the rest of the damn world. I’m sure most of us have some therapist bills somewhere, but you don’t see us grabbing our crotches and screaming. Sure, the guy wrote Thriller. Sure, the Jackson 5 rules. Sure, I beat it (wait?). He’s done some great musical things but I firmly believe Billy Jean was not his lover. Who would be crazy enough to go to sleep in his hyperbaric chamber? What’s small, white, and needs to be examined by a doctor? That’s right, Wacko Jacko.
So my Michael Jackson ass kicking scenario would have to be straight from his video for Thriller. I’ve been watching a lot of zombie movies lately and I’ve been studying up on my zombie survival guide. I think that if Michael Jackson were to be rolling with the undead I’d not only be mentally prepared, but I’m confident I have the melee arsenal to do away with him. Now in the Michael Jackson zombie apocalypse, zombies move in very well timed choreographed patterns. So it’s just a matter of timing when going for his legs. I’m sure once on the ground he’ll give out a few, “Whoos,” or some, “Sham ons.” When I look into his undead eyes before his curb stomping I’ll know that if this isn’t a mercy killing, nothing else is. My only fear is that he’ll catch a falling star and turn into a robot to kick my ass (anyone seen Moonwalker?).
3. Ben Affleck
Don’t get me wrong. I love Ben Affleck. I mean love in the kind of way where I would run away with him and be his good Will Hunting. So many of his movies are up there on my favorites list. I mentioned last episode that Dogma is my second favorite movie of all time, but Glory Daze, Chasing Amy, Good Will Hunting, Gone Baby Gone, Hollywood Land, Changing Lanes, Shakespeare in Love and Jersey Girl are highly regarded by me as well. The reason he needs his ass kicked is because he seems hell bent on career suicide. If you’ve ever listened to his commentary on some of the Kevin Smith movies or seen any interviews with the guy you know he’s funny and talented, but this former MTV VJ constantly brings to our attention that he does stupid things as well.
Jennifer Lopez, Gigli, Reindeer Games, Paycheck, Daredevil (although the directors cut rules), Bounce, Armageddon, Forces of Nature, Pearl Harbor, and Phantoms are just a few of the stupid things attached to him. Now I’m glad he’s in a recovery period. He married Jennifer Garner, had a kid, wrote and directed Gone Baby Gone, and after a three year hiatus from acting he’s starting to make a come back in movies. One would say he’s learned his lesson and he’s more mature and responsible about the roles he chooses. Me? I want to make sure he knows he fucked up and never does it again because I’m sick of defending him to people who refuse to acknowledge the amazing things he’s done and his brilliant contribution to American cinema.
Ben, I’m doing this because I love you. I swear it hurts me more than it hurts you. My ass kicking to you will be to strap you down in a chair with your eyes forced open like in Clockwork Orange. I will then proceed to make you watch Surviving Christmas over and over again so that when the thought of doing something that shitty comes into your mind, you will become violently ill and unable to follow through. It’s for your own good. I need to go cry now.
2. Ralph Nader
Yes, I will pick on him. He’s single handedly responsible for the last eight years of our country. Sure, I think the reres that voted for him need to be smacked too, but anytime someone says they hate George Bush, I think of Ralph Nader. Sure, he’s done some great things and I do think he’s got a few good ideas, but how could he not see the cluster fuck that he’d create? He knew he had no shot at winning the election and that the people that voted for him would have voted for Gore or Kerry had he not been there. It doesn’t stop there. He can’t seem to learn his lesson. He keeps running every election. Sure, the American people learned their lesson and stopped voting for him, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. It’s for that reason that I think he’s by far the worst politician out there. A lot of his funding in the 2004 election came from Republican sources in hopes that the same thing would happen again. Of course with a candidate like Kerry, Bush didn’t even need Nader.
So now every time I see something horrible that Bush is responsible for, I think of Nader. Every vacation day Bush spent fishing and mending fences instead of doing something to prevent the crisis’ that have been predicated for many years now, I think of Nader. Sometimes I wish that he claimed he invented the internet so I could hate him more.
So what will his punishment be? Well his most notable contribution to the world has been his activism towards the automotive industry for producing unsafe cars. Because of him a lot of the regulations and innovations for auto safety exist to keep us safe. So I feel that it’s only appropriate that we use him as crash test dummy until realizes that running for president is a terrible idea. After he comes to the realization we keep doing it anyway.
1. Bill O’Reilly
I really want to kick this guy’s ass (sorry dad). For those of you who don’t know, studying a degree in communication includes as part of the curriculum a study of the media and journalism. What this former (and arguably current) tabloid writer does is not journalism. Part of being a journalist is being unbiased. Something that he and fox news has never been. Part of being a journalist is not making up statistics and facts. Part of being a journalist is not yelling over your guests to prove your right. It’s about who’s right, not who’s louder. Did we seriously forget that he hosted Inside Edition for years? His bread and butter was reporting shit that no one cares about and embellishing on details to make an uneducated audience think it was something important. Wait…he still does that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him report on issues that were actually issues. He’s just an angry man picking fights to boost his ratings. He’s basically Jerry Springer without the bitch slapping.
I’ve watched a few episodes of his show from time to time, especially when I know that something I like will be featured. I look forward to seeing what he’ll make up. It’s like Mister Roger’s Neighborhood when he goes to the land of make believe. He’s conducting his own little witch hunt. His arguments revolve around more false information then the war in Iraq. He’s developed a persona and catch phrases so he can appeal to a broad conservative audience. All he’s doing is developing his brand and selling his books. He has more plugs then a porn shop. It’s his kind of childish sensationalism that fuels hatred and intolerance. You can’t do a You Tube search without finding a video of him being a complete jackass. At first it’s funny, but then you remind yourself that people actually like this guy and think that what he’s doing is news.
I can’t even think of a punishment that would be fitting for him. The only thing that comes to mind would involve me having magic powers. I would magically create a double of him to be a guest on the O’Reilly Factor. The catch is that the double would be liberal. I theorize that after an hour of them yelling at each other about useless topics, their heads would have to explode. I hate extremists on both sides of the spectrum, so what we would witness would have to be an argument of biblical proportions. Two mighty demons going head to head like two first graders fighting over building blocks. Once they’ve disposed of him my only rear is that Jerry Falwell will take his place.
So that’s my top five celebrity ass kicking’s. Whose ass would you like to see get kicked? Comment and spread the word. Join me next week for my top 5 favorite comic books.